Remission (Demos)

by Jory Avner

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1.
Destiny's shooting me glances from it's perch up on the fence. So I keep ducking down for cover underneath the influence. And all the resurrection pamphlets, that trash blowing through the park, and existential conversation overheard in airport bars. Say we are real, but in transition. I'm only trying to do my best. Cause all our plans and destinations are never quite what we expect. An careless pilot is all it takes, those heavy eyes, the long black interstate. that cough you have to x-ray. A run of bad luck. You can live any way you want, kid, but it will never be enough. So I’ve been working on this record, and smoking habit I can't shake. Trying to keep it all together, while my heart keeps me awake. Yes, it's you that I'm still missing. I don't cry, but it's all there. It ain't my name the wind is whispering when it goes sweeping through your hair. I've never sat here wishing I never tried to be your friend. My loneliness had gone in remission when you spilled into my bed. A gentle touch is all it takes. An afternoon at that corner cafe. A damp cloth till the fever breaks. A voice over the phone. I've no idea where I'm going, I only hope I make it home.
2.
20-20 03:50
It's only ever reruns on the tv. There's always something better I gotta' have. Every time I sober up completely, it's just a phase; it'll pass. I feel like I’m living out in deep space. or little intermissions between acts. I’m always moving at a termination pace, and charting a course for someone else's bed. I want something new Cause I’m tired of all this fucking around. Just tell me what to do, cause I don't ever think I’ll figure it out. I keep rearranging what is mostly the same Into mostly the same. I've been trying on a little meditation to get a closer look at all my moving parts. But I haven't caught sight of any revelations breathing slow, all alone in the dark. I want something new I can't keep treading water in doubt Just tell me what to do, cause I don't ever think I’ll figure it out. I keep rearranging into mostly the same from what is mostly the same.
3.
Gomorrah 03:30
There's a western wind to sodom. There's a chill up in my teeth. An acquaintance on a soap box said the wilderness turned menagerie. They put chlorine in the water, we got mystics in the bars. A trigger man in a limousine trying to make some kind of mark. There's something ugly in this palette. Something easy in my glass. The familiar sting of loneliness I am conscious of, and slinking passed. But I got no fucking money, too little borrowed time, too many undercooked ideas to unwind. It's not that I don't care, I'm just removed. At the summit of those spiral stairs in plain clothes and a bad attitude. There's a day dream I escape on, there's a turnpike headed east. Sometimes it takes me homes, sometimes just somewhere I used to be. Where the malingering clouds roll over, the cold twiddles with your breath. Then one foot follows the other to nowhere, really. The path's unimpeded, to the twilight of youth. I keep disappearing in these plain clothes and bad attitudes.
4.
I get nervous all the time, with wandering thoughts like satellites in search of something they could be of service to. And stuck in bed, uncouth, unquenched, where i must contort my common sense till I get going on the few things I got to do. And there's a voice, or sometimes just imagery. As if a higher authority said it might help to feign just a little joy. As if it were a choice, cause you know I’d do anything, if I thought it'd change anything I'm ready and willing like a good god fearing boy. I got pills that make me weak. Like a banderole in a clement breeze or a goldfish limping around in a dirty bowl. But I prefer my clumsy songs, my tired, brutal, fucking songs. They are the only things I feel I can control. And there's that voice, symbols flash on the screen, in a sickening cacophony. Saying it might help to take yourself outside walk to the park, as if I hadn't tried everything. Well, ok, maybe not everything. It's not as bad as it probably seems It's just how I am sometimes when I don't have you at my side.
5.
Got no cause for concern, at least not tonight. Finally managed to lighten up like an old vacancy sign. So I sit penning poems or just shooting at cans. Trading blood to the great unknown from a wobbling bar bench. Where I can weather anything, it seems. I got this unwieldy spirit, man, it keeps slipping out of reach. The waitress is kind, if a bit overcast, but I feel fine at long last. I wish I hadn't mouthed off so I could call you tonight. Our man's on the jukebox here, what a pleasant surprise. I might ask you to dance, you used to tug at my arm. And twirl like some strange machine with so many pieces and parts. You'd always return, but you were just out of reach. Never felt you belonged here like a kite caught in a tree. The waitress is kind, I know she wants to talk. But for once, I do not. I wish I had the guts to be more than just honest. I don't really play the songs I just hammer on them. The waitress is kind, She pours us a round. Tries to sell me some shit about getting lost and getting found.
6.
Thinner 02:28
There's a portrait by my bed I hardly notice. There's a borrowed book I know I'll never read. And an ashtray on the window spilling over to the sill, And a light down at the far end of my street. There's a phrase up in my head I can't get clear of. Some habits I keep quitting on repeat. Visions of myself that always look like someone else. A little thinner in the cheeks. But I'm not worried. Not in the least. There's no plan, darling. We're all just swaying to the beat. I've been coasting in repose, and cocktail drinks. Biting at my tail and tongue, and cheek. Or out to raise some Cain, to resolve or to sustain a mode of living, when I can't afford to eat. But I’m not worried. Not in the least. There's no plan darling, we're just swaying to the beat.
7.
Always biting my tongue. Waiting for change. Searing my lungs another nicotine fix for that animal brain. Chasing a dream down a thousand yard stare. Tapping my foot to the beat I thought by now I’d be a millionaire, but not every thought is well worth hearing. Not every ache is a new fucking lyric. Twenty something and overcast, shouting at a flickering screen. Thought there was a reason thought I had a reason shaking every hand that was reaching for me. always late to the game. The last one to leave. Turning a brand new page when yesterday's I’m afraid to read. Then racing off to the show. Or Pacing the streets Peering into a bottle trying glimpse what no one else can see. But not every vision is from on high. Not every contradiction means I gotta' cross the line. Twenty something and all used up. Sober for the moment, at least. I know every reason. Never knew they were reasons. Shrugged off every friend who was reaching for me. Twisted minds can think alike sometimes, but that don't mean that they mean well.
8.
I remember love and loss were simple concepts til they tied me to their bed post once or twice. Now I can see the picture clearly after all these fucking years I wasn't yours, you were not mine. I thought it was uncommon to get dizzy in the company you're most familiar to. I used to think it was enough that I could taste, and I could touch. I didn't know there was more to do. What good was all my running around, I still can't hardly ever sleep alone. There's a shadow growing long beneath the shape that I am now it swallows everything. It wants everything. I use you for a stencil when I’m lonely. A nauseating magic carpet ride. All my visions are disbanded by doubt and disenchantment It's all your fault, no, no, it's mine. I just can't stop all of my fucking around, I still can't hardly ever sleep alone. There's some kind of apparition there wherever you are now. that knows everything. It saw everything.
9.
When I Go 03:37
Still putting in the hours at my station. And talking to myself in meter time with psychedelic verse to parse through senseless terms. Nothing's gonna' change if I don't try. Some friends of mine split to Arizona. There's a girl who gets me high just up the street. When I get turned around, she gives me mouth to mouth. And I thank her for the generosity. I never meant to stay here, I just forgot to leave. Loneliness is an old souvenir. Well, I don't mind a heavy load. I can't remember everything I hear but I’ll keep you in my thoughts when I go. I read an epic poem about the wasteland. Got blacked out with some friends I barely see. If you don't mind the cost, you'll get anything you want what I want is almost never what I need. I ain't hurt nobody without a reason too. Feeling restless, but keeping cool. I never liked losing control. I don't finish everything I do. but I'll keep you in my thoughts when I go. It's all too easy, this life of crime. I guess it's all I know. I’m always dreaming of a simpler time. And if I should ever find it, You can meet me when I go.
10.
Hall of Fame 03:09
Heading west on a founders trail, I tried the city life and failed. Everybody knows something I don't. My Stomach's twisted up in knots. You cut me open like an old pad lock. I should shut my mouth, but you know I won't. You look just like a movie star. Taking hits off of a credit card. I never stood a chance when you asked my name. But you're really just a plastic knife. A tool for someone's appetite. and when they're done you get thrown away. I’m really just an idiot, a punch line that never sticks. I keep living the same story in repeat. All my friends are masochists. Cheap thrills and party tricks. Guess I always knew, I just wouldn't believe. I wish that I could miss you, dear. But that'd be a little insincere. I don't ever mean to be so cruel. They'll put you in the hall of fame, the only slut I could never shame. I don't know how you do the things you do. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved me. You said you did like I loved you. You said you loved me, you said you loved me, I was convinced Like I loved you. You're just like a falling star. I wished upon you from afar. I should've known you never could be true.
11.
They say time is of the essence, You shouldn't dabble in extremes. I'll crash this car and kill the both of us I swear Everybody's capable of saying stupid things, sometimes. I know you are. But what am I? We said a lot then it was over. They say the truth will set you free. My anger is an asteroid isolated in it's orbit just waiting for a golden opportunity to strike. We are the same, you and I. Let's draw the fucking curtains. Then a little bit of blood. Moving on will be the easy part in the morning, at least if we can ever sober up. I hardly even turn the lights on. So I don't recognize the shapes. I have adjusted to this caliber of vision. I think that I’ll be better off this way through life. I've always preferred the night, anyway. How the hell is Arizona? I thought I saw you in a crowd. I am dismantling your likeness, and blaring Tallahassee, and trying not to freeze to death somehow. I know we are the same. You know we are the same. You and I. You and I.
12.
I headed east on founders trail, I tried the city life and failed. Everybody knows something I don't. Stomach twisted up in knots. You cut me open like an old pad lock. I should shut my mouth, but you know I won't. You look just like a movie star. Taking hits off of a credit card. I never stood a chance when looked my way. But you're really just a plastic knife. A tool for someone's appetite. and when they're done you get thrown away. I’m really just an idiot, a punch line that never sticks. I keep living the same story in repeat. All my friends are masochists. Cheap thrills and party tricks. Guess I always knew, I just wouldn't believe. I wish that I could miss you, dear. But that'd be a little insincere. I don't ever mean to be so cruel. They'll put you in the hall of fame, the only slut I could never shame. I don't know how you do the things you do. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved me. I thought you did like I loved you. You said you loved me, you said you loved me, I was convinced That I loved you. You look just like a falling star. I wished upon you from afar. I should've known you never could be true.

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Remission is a growing collection of rough takes and songs in progress.

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released February 25, 2017

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Jory Avner Chicago, Illinois

Jory Avner is a singer-songwriter based out of Chicago, Illinois. By blending highly stylized lyricism and guitar with synth/rock soundscapes, he strives to create an atmosphere that is both deeply textured, thought-provoking, introspective, and yet succinct in terms of narratives. ... more

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